(#049) The Weight of Responsibility

Why it’s so Hard to Make Decisions

⏱️ 3 min read

February 24, 2023, Salò (Brescia, Italy)

We are born by no decision of our own.

That much, to my knowledge, is accepted by almost everyone—from the most devout believer to the most rigorous scientist, from the mystical to the practical, across cultures and through history.

At least personally, I’ve never heard anyone say, “I decided to be born.” (Perhaps followed by, “It was one of the best decisions of my life.”)

You get the gist.

It follows that we enter life without any responsibility.

And although science, philosophy, and religion disagree on the details, it takes some time before we can credibly say we’re responsible for our actions (are we responsible for pooping in our diapers?), our words (are we responsible for babbling nonsense?), or our thoughts (whatever that even means?).

Even more interestingly, it takes time before society begins to tell us, “It’s your responsibility.” (Do you remember the first time someone said that to you?)

When that moment arrives—whether at six months, six years, or sixty—it’s no surprise that confusion sets in. Entire philosophies and religions have been built around how to handle that transition.

To be clear, this isn’t a discussion about free will—whether we actually choose anything at all, or whether we’re just a cluster of atoms following an incomprehensibly complex set of laws, simplified under the label “free will.” That’s a topic for another time.

What I’m referring to here is that when we do choose—whether by agency or destiny—we inevitably identify with those choices. However carefree we may think we are, it’s almost impossible not to build a sense of identity around what we’ve chosen. And even if we somehow manage to detach from it, others won’t. They’ll still hold us accountable for the outcomes of those choices.

That’s why decision-making is so hard.

People write books about it. Hire coaches for it. It’s a field with endless subdisciplines: leadership is decision-making in the realm of organizations; parenthood is decision-making in the realm of education; writing is decision-making in the realm of communication; entrepreneurship is a golden example of decision-making in the realm of independence and self-sustenance. Even meditation, one could argue, is the deliberate act of not making decisions, a way to rest and heal the decision-making muscle.

And the reason it’s so hard—and why so many struggle with it—is that every decision we make chips away at our original, infinitely comfortable state of existing without responsibility.

Just as our spine enters the world with no experience of gravity, and we spend our lives resisting it—winning in our early years and losing in our later ones—

we are born with no muscle to bear the weight of responsibility.

We either exercise it, or we lose it.

The difference is that, unlike our erector spinae, few people ever develop a reasonable form—let alone hypertrophy—in their responsibility muscle.

That’s why so many live in quiet misery. They drift through life, avoiding decisions, because as long as they don’t choose, they can’t be held accountable for their own struggles.

I’m as guilty as anyone of avoiding decisions when I can. But I’ve come to find strength—and even peace—in knowing that with each decision I make, I become a little more the protagonist of my life, and a little less its audience—hence my incurable passion for entrepreneurship.

And, as far as that goes for me, that is the better experience.

L.F

(Read this article on Medium)